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I'm back
So I was in Florida over mid winter break to visit my Aunt Lynn who was staying there. I went to the Salvidor Dali museum on Saturday which I really liked it was all pretty good... ehi well not exactly. The problem started when I went to sit in my seat on th plane it hit me like a brick. I'm about to sit down in my seat on the plane headed to Florida... alone...I CAN'T DO THIS!!!When did this plane get so small? Is it hot in here? Why am I breathing so hard? When did my head get so heavy? The flight attendant took me to the back  gave me an ice pack and she asked me if I wanted to leave the plane. Then I relized that if I left the plane then I would have wasted my parents time and money and that would make my mom angry. I should risk a plane ride then make my mom angry. I cried before I  went through security because I didn't want it to happen again( I even started dry heaving). I had to take a tram before I made it to security. Aunt Lynn told me I should find my happy place so I visualized myself being an elementary school kid again when I was on the bus home from school and well ... Chris was holding my hand (so I didn't pick my nails) his hands were warm and callused. In my delirious state I started talking to him like he was there " Hi Chris how are you?" " I love you " " I miss you Chris." (note that I was delirious) I don't now how to explain it, it wasn't like I found my happy place but the fear and loneliness were gone when the tram doors opened.
Don't laugh but whenever I communicate with Chris these days I don't know it's like we connect on another level mentally. I know thats stupid but it's like I know if hes sad or happy or when hes gonna tell a dirty joke. So maybe somehow on the train it was like he... kinda came to comfort me somehow. WERE JUST FRIENDS!! at least I think so.
Anyway once again I became a bother to someone even though I didn't want to. I'm so mad at myself I was an annoyance to my Aunt Lynn and her friends I AM SUCH A COWARD!!
PS sorry if I sound like a winey stupid naive girl

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Ah man, I so identify with this...

I took my first trip to Florida (first time on a plane) last summer...I felt so sick and so terribly nervous. I have an anxiety disorder so I've gotten this feeling before just by going over to someone's house that I've never been to before or haven't been to in long time (to a lesser degree, however). It was terrible when I was younger, I avoided going out with my friends because I didn't want to ruin everyone's time once I started feeling sick. Therapy has been very helpful.

Luckily, I was going with my family and one of my close friends, so there were other people that could help distract me from how I was feeling. I had also gone to the doctor and was given some drug that's used to relax people when they mostly just made me kind of tired.

As far as the anxiety went, it was gone for the most part once we were in the air (not completely, but it was much more manageable that before the flight. I think the anticipation is the worst part).

I usually get over it by busying myself with something, like talking to someone else, reading, playing a video game, etc. Even just some breathing exercises help.

Also, you shouldn't think of yourself as a bother or an annoyance. Everyone has their down moments and other people know that. She's your family, I'm sure she still loves you. :)
Keep your chin up, my dear! Everything will be just fine.

We all have fears, honey. Some people have claustrophobia, some people have fear of heights. You have no idea how common fear of flying is. Watch Eddie Izzard, he jokes about it, watch Billy Connoly, he jokes about it too.

You don't sound whiney, stupid, or naive. Don't talk like that because it's not true at all. Also, you are not "a bother" to anyone, and anybody that makes you feel that way shouldn't be having guests visit them because they obviously don't know how to treat them.

Fears aren't rational things. Sometimes they can be the hardest things to talk yourself out of. But they can be surmounted.

The same thing happened to me when I went into the MRI machine, and I suddenly realised that being squeezed into a small space triggered a panic attack for me. But your mind and your will power (and fear of one's mother) are very powerful things. You can beat your fears, I think, it's just a matter of using all the power of your mind.

Sort of like the Green Lantern and his power ring, to use a nerdy reference.

I'm proud of you for going through with it. It was a hard thing you did and you survived it!

Your Cousin

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